This article is a piece of fictional satire. Any resemblance to the truth or actual facts or to reality is purely coincidental.
In the heart of Le Moyne’s campus sits an enormous hot steaming pile of trash. The trash mound has been growing dangerously high and some are even calling it a safety hazard. The acclimation of debris is at a point of almost surpassing the height of Grewen Hall. Many classroom windows have been blocked and on some days the sun is even eclipsed by the towering mass.
“We don’t know how it got there,” one professor remarks. “I guess it has always been there but we just started to take note of it the last couple of years.”
Le Moyne’s Physical Plant workers stated that attempting to tear down the mountain of garbage would cause an avalanche and ultimately harm the school. Many have just accepted the mass of refuse, seeing it as just another monument on campus grounds. Lately, the pile has been drawing more attention as it seems to be rotting.
“I can’t even begin to describe the stench,” a sophomore student cries. “Just imagine the worst possible smell you can think of and multiply it by one hundred.”
The stench has completely enveloped Grewen and Riley Hall, and as a result, classes were dismissed that day. As a temporary solution, Le Moyne has issued school-branded dolphin-shaped clothespins to students and faculty to put over their noses.
This is but just the latest controversy involving the junk mound. The college is still recovering from last year’s infamous “Landslide Incident” in which wayward refuse fell blocking the entrance to Grewen Hall. Fortunately, no one was injured but it is the early signs of a potential future catastrophe. This left many wondering about the ramifications of a future collapse of the ever-growing trash mountain, as it can only get so tall.
In a new effort, Le Moyne has offered up “Trash Day,” a first-time event where they properly acknowledge the garbage. This first Trash Day entails no classes but instead, a grand ceremony where the newly minted Le Moyne Trash Division will spray “Serene Vanilla Sunrise” Febreze on the garbage heap. With this move, the school says that although the trash is still there, it will at least smell nice.
