I ask a lot of questions. For example: How in week three of the semester can I already be six weeks behind? Should I eat chicken or ice cream for dinner? Should I put the ice cream on top of my chicken so I feel like I’m being healthy? Or maybe I’ll just eat the ice cream now and then have chicken for dessert? You can’t have chicken for dessert though . . . can you? Fine. You’ve convinced me. Ice cream for dinner and ice cream for dessert.

Alas, I digress. Here’s Cheers and Jeers.

1 Cheer: Alliteration

Above all, and as any author advises: alliteration acknowledges astuteness. Witty wordplay warrants work with wine. Tom took to talking to tarantulas, then tried to triangulate the tower tops to thwart the threatening talkers. [It took me forever to figure out how to write those coherently, and there were Disney songs blasting in the background. If you don’t know what alliteration is, please seek help from the English Department.]

 

2 Cheers: National Talk Like a Pirate Day

According to nationaldaycalendar.com, Sep. 19 is National Talk Like A Pirate Day. I encourage everyone to congregate on campus and engage in pirate-like conversations and shenanigans. And to all of you reading this and judging me for encouraging this behavior, just stop it. You and I both know weirder things happen and have happened on this campus. Live a little, ya scurvy dogs.

 

3 Cheers: Positive News

Let’s be serious for a minute. The stories that generate the most attention [the most “clicks”] are intense: murders and kidnappings, grand theft auto and money laundering, assaults and trafficking. And I know that the media is a business, but if you’re as saddened as I am by the trending news topics come join me on positivenews.org. There are so many amazing things that happen every day and they get nowhere near the attention they deserve. Positivity is a choice. Choose wisely.

 

1 Jeer: The Family Dollar

I have to be careful with how I spend my money, so admittedly I frequently shop at Dollar Tree and Family Dollar. Did you know you can get a 30 pack of crystallized plates for a dollar? Sign me up. But recently I went into the Family Dollar to buy a binder, and the cashier proceeded to ask me for two dollars. Excuse me? I’m in a dollar store. I will pay one dollar and not one cent more. How dare they tell me otherwise.

 

2 Jeers: The Hour and Fifteen Minute Class

There’s a lot of you out there who revel in the Tuesday/Thursday, Monday/Wednesday classes. You load up your schedules with back-to-back-to-back-to-back classes just so you can have half of a Friday off, and I commend you for it. But anything over 50 minutes is too much. And trust me. Once you’ve had the 50 minute, you can’t go back.

 

3 Jeers: Parking

I told myself I wouldn’t rant about parking. It’s a conversation that happens EVERY SINGLE SEMESTER AND NEVER SEEMS TO GET RESOLVED BECAUSE THERE’S NEVER ENOUGH SPOTS AND SECURITY THINKS I WANT TO PARK ON THE GRASS AND ON THE SIDEWALKS AND I DON’T BUT WHEN I’M LATE FOR CLASS AND YOU SET UP CONES IN THE PARKING LOT THAT LOOK LIKE PARKING SPOTS I’M GOING TO PARK THERE AND I’M GOING TO EXPECT TO COME OUT TO THE PARKING LOT AND FIND MY WINDSHIELD CLEAN. I got a parking ticket.