Cheers and Jeers

Tom Vazquez

More stories from Tom Vazquez

Cheers & Jeers
February 18, 2016
Cheers & Jeers
February 11, 2016
Cheers and Jeers
December 3, 2015

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Adele: Hello from the outside.

Tom: What? We’re in the library…

Adele: At least I can say that I’ve tried

Tom: Don’t make things worse. I’m trying to study for finals.

Adele: To tell you I’m sorry

Tom: For what?

Adele: For breaking your heart

Tom: It’s just my GPA. It’s not your fault. It will be your fault if you don’t stop singing.

Adele: But it don’t matter, it clearly, doesn’t tear you apart anymore.

Tom: Easy with that. You don’t know me. I’m a good student. This time will be different.


Post-finals week…


Adele: Hello. It’s me.

Tom: [crying into a bag of cheetos] How did you know…?


1 Cheer: Salvation Army Jingle Bell “Santas”

They’re everywhere. Gigantic red cauldrons every five feet and those bells…oh, those bells. I think we could do without the incessant bell ringing, but there are some truly kind people who stand by these donation booths every Christmas season and offer up a genuine smile for who knows how many hours. Take a minute this holiday season and give a little back, and see if you can strike up a conversation with these wonderfully patient humans.


2 Cheers: Real Christmas Trees

The artificial Christmas tree is alluring; one-time purchase, easy storage, no mess to clean, and no maintenance. Seems perfect. The thing is, here’s what you’re missing with that shimmering stick of garland: there’s no annual trip to pick out the Christmas tree, no fresh pine needle smell, no watering of the tree to mimic the nourishment of the Christmas spirit, and overall no real work and no ultimate sense of accomplishment put into the acquisition of an integral piece of the family home. Take that, you soulless artificial imposters.


3 Cheers: The End of the Semester

Let me just say that this was one of the weirdest semesters at college I’ve ever experienced. My car broke down innumerable times, I was late to way too many classes, I was unorganized, unkempt at times, and just downright unmotivated, and it just felt like I could never catch up with my work. I can’t explain why I felt like I was in shambles the entire semester, but what I can do is take whatever finals I have, go home, make 15 nutella and banana sandwiches, blast Christmas music, and dance like there’s no spring semester looming in the distance.


1 Jeer: Push Button Sink Faucets

None of these faucet styles ever get the job done on the first push. Your hands are covered in soap, the water pressure is laughable, and by the time you get your hands under the faucet the water’s off. These are supposed to be environmentally friendly faucets, but when you have to push the knobs 30 times just to barely get the soap off your hands, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a better way.


2 Jeers: Finals Week

Finals week is upon us and I still don’t know why it exists. Most professors seem to be just as ready for the semester to end as the students, so how come we can’t take our exams the last week of classes? For one, it would let people get home to actually partake in pre-Christmas decorating and family activities, and the exams wouldn’t be that extensive, as they’d have to fit into a 50 minute or 1 hour and 15 minute time slot. Less question writing for the professors, less grading for the professors, and more time to enjoy Christmas for the students and the professors. It’s a win-win.


3 Jeers: Krampus

In case anyone is unaware, they’ve decided to make a movie about a demonic Santa Claus. Here’s the synopsis courtesy of a quick Google search: while the holiday season represents the most magical time of year, ancient European folklore warns of Krampus, a horned beast who punishes naughty children at Christmastime.” Are you kidding me? Is this really the best thing to put out there? If I ever have kids, I really don’t want to have to explain to them that, no, an evil demon is not going to shimmy down the chimney and stuff them into a sack. Although, that’s actually not a bad threat if you want your kids to be good this year…