Does anyone read this introduction? I’m just curious. Sometimes I feel like people flip to the back to read Cheers and Jeers and just completely bypass these important preliminary words. These gentle sentences are meant to guide you into the cynical world that I’ve created for this column. If you skip the introduction, I’m not liable for anything that might happen. Side effects include but are not limited to dry mouth, development of a pessimistic worldview, itchy scalp, and a craving for full meals at three in the morning.
1 Cheer: No Shave November
I have no hard feelings towards this annual abstinence from shaving. But growing facial hair is the bane of my existence. When done properly, a good beard or some evenly-distributed follicle growth can add a level of maturity to your character. When done my way, people will ask you why it looks like you covered your face with glue and threw hair at it. Try it my way this November if you want to see how long it takes before you’re reduced to tears.
2 Cheers: Local Elections
By a show of hands, how many people know who’s running for local office? Be honest with yourselves, and if you haven’t the slightest idea who’s vying for the office of refreshments and nutritions supervisor or for the office of director of first impressions, get on it. [Yes, I’m being very facetious with these suggested titles. Just go vote].
3 Cheers: Discounted Halloween Candy
Grocery stores salivate this time of year when they see people leaving with carts full of candy. “It’s for the kids,” they say. “This’ll last me until next Halloween!” they exclaim. Let’s not lie — we have an obsession with purchasing things that we think we’re saving money on. We’re being conned into buying a surplus of sweets that will only be used for our own guilty pleasures. So says the guy sitting and writing this wearing 30 pounds of snickers wrappers as a blanket.
1 Jeer: Door-Holding Etiquette
I’m referring to that moment when you hear someone coming up behind you and you make the decision to do something nice for once so you hold the door, only to realize when you look back and make direct eye contact with them that they’re 50 yards away. Or the recurring dilemma that arises when someone holds two consecutive doors for you: do you thank them once or twice? If everyone just stopped being so nice we could move past this.
2 Jeers: Maintaining a Fashionable Wardrobe
I’m not saying that trying to look good is bad. I’m saying that trying to look good is hard. I’m terrible at dressing myself, a reality that has been kindly pointed out to me this semester. I’ve concluded that my wardrobe selection is to blame for my lack of style. Polos and khakis just aren’t going to cut it anymore. And apparently wearing all one color is frowned upon. Who made these rules? I should be able to wear a lime green track suit to my 9:30 class without being judged. [I’m joking. Please, someone help me].
3 Jeers: Christmas in November
Pretty soon we’ll be opening Christmas presents at the Thanksgiving dinner table. I don’t know how many times I have to say this, but people need to stop rushing Christmas. I know it’s tempting to wish for Christmas all year-round, but that’d be like eating ice cream and pizza for a month straight; eventually, you’ll get pretty sick of it. And who would want to get sick of pizza or ice cream or Christmas?