In last week’s issue I issued a movie-quote identification challenge and asked that you tweet me your answers for a chance to win a $25 Wegmans gift card. A whopping two people decided to take part in this challenge, neither of whom answered correctly. Two people. I’m not even going to bother revealing what movie quotes I put in the article. You’ve really hurt my feelings, guys. If you’re in the library and you hear uncontrollable sobbing don’t waste your time trying to comfort me. Enjoy your Halloween.

 

1 Cheer: Candy Consumption

On any old day, if I want to open up a package of miniature Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, pour them into a bowl of milk, and eat them for breakfast, I would expect to be judged. Halloween is the one day where I don’t feel like an absolute sloth for consuming candy as such. Cookies and candy and chocolate and twizzlers, chocolate cookies and candy chocolate and chocolate twizzlers and candy cookies. Join me in my sugary pilgrimage.

 

2 Cheers: Fright-Night All Night

I used to be all about trick-or-treating. Now, I’m all about the scares. There is nothing more satisfying than watching a confident, well-put-together adult buckle to their knees in sheer terror, shrieking as they beg for a blanket and their sanity. It can be tempting to scare the happiness out of young, eager trick-or-treaters, but please try to refrain from doing so, as they need to fully experience their childhood before adulthood steals the joy from their souls.

 

3 Cheers: Halloween Weekend

The number of times Halloween has fallen on a weekday has been most disappointing. It’s already a holiday that should be more than one day, and having it abruptly cut off with school or work the following day is a major buzz kill. This year, with Halloween falling on a Saturday, one night of spooky fun becomes an entire weekend of superb partying. Plus, as the perfect Halloween weekend send-off, daylight savings time is scheduled for Sunday Nov. 1. Use it well…

 

1 Jeer: The Halloween Dance

I don’t want to discourage anyone from attending if they haven’t experienced the oddity that is the Halloween Dance, but I went last year for the first time and I certainly won’t be going back. You either love it or you hate it, and if you love it I’d really like to know why. Really. Let’s get coffee and talk about your life choices. The best part of last year’s dance was the free Cam’s pizza they were giving away outside the door. Maybe I’m just upset that I dressed up as a cardboard ninja turtle last year.

 

2 Jeers: Picking Out a Costume

It’s really, really difficult to be bad at a holiday, and I’m bad at Halloween. The number of costume parties that I’ve ruined for myself by waiting until an hour before the event to come up with a costume because my friends decided that they were “going to dress up after all” is getting too high to count. It’s a good thing the Dollar Tree is so close to my house.

 

3 Jeers: Social Assumptions and Trick-or-Treating

I don’t understand why it’s socially frowned upon for adults to go trick-or-treating. It makes Halloween just another holiday for kids and, even though they do deserve their fun, kids don’t need any more nice things. It’s the college students that need a break from papers and exams. It’s the adults that are stuck in dead-end jobs that have to put up with their screaming children and know-it-all teenagers for 18 years before they finally get a break. Give them your candy and your pity.