Wednesday Sept. 23 marked the official first day of fall, so in honor of my favorite season, I could think of nothing better than to pick it apart in this week’s Cheers and Jeers. [I honestly couldn’t think of anything better. If you’re displeased with the effort put into this week’s article please tweet at me @tommyvazquez0 and I’ll be more than happy to handle your complaints behind the safety of my iPhone screen].
1 Cheer: Starbuck’s Specialty Fall Drinks
I’ve got news for you, Starbucks. I can just as easily take half of a pumpkin pie, a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips, and a jar of cinnamon and call it the Pumpkin Mocha Spiced Whipped Choco Frappuccino Deluxe. Unfortunately my drinks don’t taste as good as theirs, so I implore you to try anything fall-flavored at Starbucks. They’re heavenly little sugar bombs that’ll have you crashing by noon and waiting in line for another one by 12:15.
2 Cheers: Sweater Weather
I’m a sucker for sweaters. I’ve caught myself leaving the house in the middle of the summer wearing jeans and a sweater just because I wanted to pretend it was fall already. Besides adding a studious element to your outfit, sweater weather means walking across campus without ending up drenched in sweat, and I’m all for that. No more looks of concern from professors who think you’ve had a minor cardiac episode on the way to class.
3 Cheers: Entertaining TV is Back
I’d like to thank Family Guy, The Simpsons, and American Dad for getting me through the barren wasteland that summer television always is. And I can hear half of you thinking, “Ew. Like, how come he just doesn’t watch, like, Netflix?” Because I don’t have it, you judgmental binge-watchers. It’s not like I have time to watch television, but that four to five page paper I have to do? It can wait until How to Get Away With Murder is over. My spirits are up with the new and returning shows, but as for my projected GPA, I think Ke$ha said it best: “It’s going down.”
1 Jeer: People Who Dislike Pumpkin Carving
I can see how gutting a pumpkin and slicing it up with a knife can seem a bit odd, but I suggest you read up on the history of pumpkin carving before you judge. Long story short, this guy called Stingy Jack did a few things his grandmother wouldn’t have been proud of, and got himself banned from heaven and from hell, left to hopelessly wander the earth. Carving jack-o’-lanterns apparently scares him away from your house. Any more questions? Good. Carve your pumpkins.
2 Jeers: People Who Dislike Apple Picking
How can you classify driving hours out of the way to spend money to do your own manual labor as a “fun time?” I’ll tell you how. Stop complaining, find someone who has a car, and go pick an apple or two. This is how things used to work before grocery stores like Wegmans decided they could probably make a dollar or two if they put all the food we could ever want in one place. Do you think Squanto would have advocated such blasphemy? Get back in touch with your cultural roots and put down the jumbo bag of apples in aisle five.
3 Jeers: People Who Dislike Fall
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I really like the fall. I spent a good five minutes trying to find something wrong with it, the objective journalist that I am, but I just couldn’t. I’m not saying that if you don’t share my feelings about this picture-perfect season we can’t be friends. I just don’t think anyone can solidly outline the negatives of the fall. You know what, if anyone is up for the challenge, I will accept one to two page papers detailing your negative outlook on the fall, due before the next issue of The Dolphin is published. If you don’t have time to complete this task, no worries. Just say you love the fall and be a good little Upstate New Yorker.