Adam Thorne ‘15

ASST. SPORTS EDITOR

Despite the fact that my prop bet that Bruce Arians would fall at Pike’s Place at 35/1 did not come through two weeks ago, people have not stopped letting me know that I would have taken the Chiefs as FIFTEEN POINT FAVORITES[!] over the Raiders when the Raiders actually won the game. Nonetheless, for the games that I picked in this column I went 5-3. Not too shabby for a schmuck. Without further ado, here are my Week 14 picks:

Baltimore [+3] at Miami:

Baltimore succumbed to a last-minute touchdown at home against the Chargers for an absolutely BRUTAL loss. BRUTAL! I can see Baltimore playing hard in an effort to bounce back, but I just like Tannehill better. Plus, I’m assuming the Steve Smiths of the world will spend too much time at Miami Beach. Trust me, it’s no Inner Harbor. Pick: Miami

Buffalo [+10] at Denver:

Ohhhhhh ohhhhh Buffalo! Let’s go Buffalloooo! The points you’re getting in this game is about the same as the feet of snow that were in the Puke-Pit [oops, meant the Ralph] a couple of weeks ago. Not to mention…Kyle Orton leads you…yikes. Orton returns to his former place of employment, punches John Elway in the face, and all the meanwhile, Mario Williams severs Peyton Manning’s head off. Pick: Denver.

Indianapolis [-3.5] at Cleveland

Hey look, Johnny Football played last week! And guess what…the Browns still probably won’t make the playoffs! I don’t understand why the Browns are trolling the citizens of Cleveland, because let’s face it, the Browns won’t make the playoffs until after two terms of Hillary Clinton as President. First Pick: Colts. Second Pick: Referee Walt Anderson is forced to do this game [5/1].

NY Football Giants [PICK] at Tennessee:

Well, I never thought I would see the day. TENNESSEE IS NOT GETTING POINTS! I just don’t know what to make of this whole deal. Frankly, I think Ben McAdoo and Tom Coughlin should just stay in Tennessee after the game; I heard there was good music in Nashville. At the same time, however, Tennessee is quarterbacked by Zach Mettenberger, which is practically this decade’s Ryan Leaf. I can’t wait for the worst game in history. First Pick: Giants. Second Pick: I lose next semester’s tuition [1/2].

NY Jets [+5.5] at Minnesota:

The Vikings are literally to be  feared at home. Who wants to get hypothermia? The Jets still suck worse than the toilet bowl than the state their home stadium is in. Now that’s bad. Teddy Bridgewater, on the other hand, seems like he’s a natural in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, or at least against any team that’s not in the NFC North [gee, that’s not good]. Pick: Vikings, in a Reagan-Bush ‘84-esque landslide. 48-10.

Atlanta [+11.5] at Green Bay:

Is there any question here? If you read this column and have any idea about football, don’t you know what I’m already going to say here? Come on. Pick: Do it yourself, idiots [that’s Green Bay, for everyone that’s gonna get offended out there].

St. Louis [-1.5] at Washington:

FEAR COLT MCCOY. But speaking of the Rams, does Jim Edmonds play free safety for them? It appears that way, because the Raiders had to put in Matt Schaub last week against them. [All members of the Raiders were miraculously not arrested after the win against the Chiefs.] The Washington Professional Football Team is anything but professional, so do the right thing here and invest money for your newborn’s Christmas gifts in…Pick: Rams [who?]

Pittsburgh [+3.5] at Cincinnati

Blegh. Pick: Nope, not happening. I’d rather do five years at Sing Sing.

Non-Sponsored Sodexo Flying Star Diner Pick of the Week: Seattle [+1] at Philadelphia:

MARK PHILIPPIANS SANCHEZ will rise up and throw majestic passes at the Linc, and everyone will be enthralled…ONLY UNTIL THEY ARE CONTRACEPTED BY RICHARD LEVITICUS SHERMAN! Seattle rolls, and Chip Kelly looks like he’ll want to draft Marcus Mariota. Pick: Seattle