No Excuse for Abuse

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No Excuse for Abuse

1 in 4 women will be abused in their lifetime. People often say if someone is abusing you it’s common sense to just get out. They make it seem like it’s as easy as putting one foot in front of the other. The reality is, leaving an abusive relationship is a long process that will change you forever.

Why though? Why do some women stay in abusive relationships? There are many reasons why women stay with their abusers: fear of being alone and never finding someone, fear of leaving because of a potential violent outcome. Fear is a big reason, but there is something stronger than fear at times, and that is love.

First comes fear. You might fear that you will never find someone. You are scared that this is the only love you will ever get. You fear that you will be alone drinking wine watching TLC shows with your cats forever. More times than not, your former love told you that you will never move on if you leave him. You are most likely told that there’s something wrong with you, and that you will never find someone if you leave. Your mind believes the lies more than the truth, because after awhile the lies are twisted into truths.

Then there is the worst fear of them all. There is fear that leaving will end with some sort of violent aftermath. You fear for your own safety, but also for the safety of your loved ones. You have no idea what your significant other is fully capable of, or maybe you do, and in that case, that’s probably what scares you the most.

Yes, fear is a very big reason why women stay in abusive relationships. But there’s also love. And as most of us know, love is blinding.

Some people might say loving someone who hurts you is twisted. How can you love the pain? You don’t love the person they are when they are putting you down, or controlling your every move. You don’t love the person they are when they no longer respect you as a person. You love the person they are after the abuse. You love the honeymoon stage where they are caring and loving and bending over backwards to make you happy. You love when they tell you how sorry they are and how they never want to lose you. You love when they tell you it will never happen again.

You also love the person that you wanted them to be when you first met. You are in love with the image. The idea. The person that you first fell in love with. The dream of everything you wanted them to be is more haunting than anything.

There are so many reasons why women stay with their abusers, but once you see them for what they really are, the better off you will be. Leaving is hard. The messages and phone calls after will kill you like a bullet, but the stronger you are the better. Fight the want to call and message them back. Fight the need to see them. You are not a horrible person for missing them. It is normal. You still love them, and that’s okay. Loving someone isn’t important though right now. Love yourself. Remember it’s not them you love, it’s the dream.