Dolphy Day: the worst kept secret since some other secret that literally everyone knew about.

When I found out back in July that I would be spending the coming year at Le Moyne College, I did what any self respecting child of the 21st century would do: I Googled it. And there I read about Dolphy Day. Since then no one has shut up about it. Seriously? Give it a rest!

Back in the fall, I went to the Halloween dance, and hated it.  I was very worried that Dolphy Day would be like the Halloween dance, but longer and even more dreadful.

But it wasn’t. It was great.

My main regret, so far as the whole Dolphy Day thing goes, was my attire. Not for the day itself, I was practically American with my lax regard to fashion that day, but on Sunday night. I had gone over to the townhouses for some casual drinks. Which I then followed with some less casual drinks. And then with some downright uptight drinks. It was at this point that I decided that a good thing to do would be to don a gold sequined waistcoat.

It emerged that that was not a good thing to do. Americans are already a friendly people and when they get a drink inside them, that friendliness really asserts itself… People were drawn to my vest, they could not stay away. People I had never met were marching up to me and caressing my chest. And not just the women! For some reason, American men love a sparkly vest. I think its because they feel they could never wear it themselves and their inner “fabulous” is desperate for it…

“I love your vest. It’s so glittery…”

My poor nipples had been so excessively rubbed that I have to apply cream to them nightly. Whipped cream works well, with cherries…

Then we made our way down to the Wizard Party; and dozens more people I barely knew were tugging on my tits. There, I experienced my first ever keg stand. Which wasn’t an entirely pleasurable experience. I don’t drink beer. I can manage most other things, but I struggle to get through a pint. However, down at the Wizard Party, there was free beer. And as much as I don’t like beer, I like “free” a lot. So I was ambling over to get a free beer when good old Gary Moshier grabbed my shoulder and asked me if I wanted to do a keg stand.

Now – I don’t know what a keg stand is  and so I asked him. For future reference, Gary: “It’s easy” does not count as an explanation. However before I knew it, I was upside-down with a tube stuffed in my face. I haven’t been in a situation like that since I visited the caf back in August.

Then we stormed the quad to wake up the freshmen… who were already awake. And perhaps “stormed” is the wrong word; “moseyed up to” may be more fitting. And the Wizard took to the stage to give his speech. At least, I believe he gave a speech. I couldn’t understand much of what he said. I find, when using a microphone it is best to keep the thing on the outside of your tonsils.

I am sure that the rest of the night was lovely. I have heard great things. If anyone knows how lovely my night was then please let me know. Thanks.

Then it was Dolphy Day! The big day. The one that everyone has been talking about. Incessantly. Having enjoyed the previous evening so fully, I wasn’t feeling that thirsty so I didn’t drink on the day. Instead I wandered around campus, talking to friends that I hadn’t seen in nearly eight hours, eating free food, and enjoying the live music and beautiful weather. As I wandered around campus I came across the prone figure of Mary Carley who was sitting in the shade nursing a sore head. It’s not what you think. Mary had seen a Bubba Keg falling from the roof and rather than moving, she had decided to catch it on her face. Needless to say, the Bubba Keg hadn ‘t noticed her involvement and continued falling as before, also bouncing rather neatly off her foot.

Other highlights of the day include getting a barrel load of beer poured on me from the roof of Foery as I visited my roommate who was on duty there. It was doubly distressing as I don’t even like beer. Or my roommate.

I really enjoyed my first and only Dolphy Day and am very sad that I will not get to attend another one. However I do regret not getting one of the clean up t-shirts. I really wanted one. I went to John Haley and got one of the clean-up bags at the end of Dolphy Day, however I was too tired to fill it so I just dropped it on the floor. Which probably didn’t help the litter problem, I guess…