British Invasion: A right head-case

Ed Gove '15, Opinion Editor, Online Editor

Hats. They go on your head to keep the sun off. That’s what they’re for. That’s it. Trilbys are cool. So are panamas. Baseball hats? Not so much. They serve a purpose: they make you look angry. Wearing a baseball hat – or caps, as I call them – says, “Hi. I have latent aggression issues and I am wearing this as a warning. Mind your back!”

And why would you wear them? Tennis players hate them so much that they got rid of the actual hat bit and just run around with a brim strapped to their faces, probably because that is the only bit that is actually of any use. It keeps the sun out of your eyes, which is essential to tennis players or else they get balls to the face – which is painful and embarrassing.

So yes, I will concede that they do have a practical use, but that is it. And that practicality is somewhat thwarted when you wear them backwards. Why would you do that?! It sticks out behind you like someone threw a Frisbee at the back of your head. “But it stops back-of-the-neck sunburn!” I hear you cry. And you’re right. It stops a burned neck by sacrificing your whole face! Seems reasonable though; no one wants a burned neck.

Maybe it’s an aesthetic thing. Maybe it makes you look cool and streamlined, like some kind of dinosaur, or a cyclist in the Tour de France. They look cool, right?

Or maybe the appeal lies in that odd tuft of hair that sticks out of the little hole at the front which should be the back but isn’t, jutting out the front like hair out of my aged grandfather’s ears. That’s pretty cool as well.

I’m not against all caps though; don’t misunderstand me. I’m a big fan of those snapbacks that people who skate like to wear. I love the way that they look about an inch too wide and yet simultaneously too tight. I love that. It’s a miracle of modern science that something can look both too big and too small at exactly the same time. And those stickers on the front which let you know that the person isn’t just wearing any generic skate cap. They are wearing a generic skate cap with a STICKER! I love them.

They do seem a little impractical though; does the massive brim not catch the wind when one actually does skate? From a purely practical perspective, the skater-head-sock beanies are a much better idea. But I am still a massive fan.

But this article isn’t about any of those things [would you believe]. It is about hats indoors. Indoors hats: for when the ceiling lights get too bright and you need to shield your poor burned neck. The only time that hats should be worn indoors is in church. At a wedding. If you’re a woman. Or at a cocktail party…if you’re a woman. Or if you are the captain of a liner. But that’s it.

Why would you need a hat indoors? It’s not going to keep off the rain, nor protect against the threat of pigeon bombardment. It’s just discourteous. It is like sitting down in someone’s home without taking your backpack off. It’s like when your priest offers you a coffee and you ask for it to go. It’s like interrupting your grandfather’s last words to Snapchat your best mate. It is just not done.

Once, when someone came into my home without removing their hat, my mother hit them with a frying pan. It’s not just a matter of good manners, it’s also for your own safety. So take your bloody hat off! You have been warned.

Oh, and it is also acceptable for religious reasons. But, as far as I’m aware, gods everywhere have kept pretty hush on the subject of backwards-facing, curiously pointless hats. Hat’s are for outdoors, like sunglasses…and you wouldn’t wear those indoors. Right?