During the mid-to-late 1990’s, a time when our childhood selves were entranced by the offerings of Nickelodeon, the Disney Channel and Cartoon Network, a unique male archetype rose to prominence in our largest entertainment outlet, TV. A well-mannered, docile individual who may or may not have written in a journal that was never confrontational. Instead, like some Adderall-riddled Captain Ahab, Doug Funnie falls for Patty Mayonnaise, a young lass whom he is utterly terrified of admitting his feelings for. This is a rinse, wash, repeat cycle for many televisions shows, both then and now. However, I’m beginning to suspect that since we grew up learning that a lovelorn protagonist will always eventually fall ass-backwards into stone cold love, that some of us good guys have remained in cruise control in the hope of –not the pursuit of –that miraculous, ass-backwards fall.

Since my introduction largely addressed gentlemen readers, allow me to argue for the other side. I’ll dub this one “the Kim Possible effect.” I feel as though I’m slightly less qualified to explore this as A. I am not a woman, and B. I didn’t have the Disney Channel growing up. However, I’ve seen enough episodes to have a good sense of the story arc, so bear with me. Teenage secret agent Kim Possible’s best friend, Ron Stoppable (likely a “Doug” junkie in his hypothetical youth) joins Kim throughout her escapades to save the world before bedtime. Again, both are oblivious that these shared adventures, along with the fact that Ron is there for her on a near-constant basis, are already are grounds for a healthy relationship!

It’s at this point, however, that a character rocking three pituitary glands and more swagger than Mick Jagger could dream of enters the mix. Seeking someone who seemingly has more to offer in climbing to the top of the list of cool kids, the female lead becomes interested in him. It should be noted that the same turn of events may occur with male character,  just not nearly as often. Kim and Ron eventually do get together, but only after a near worldwide catastrophe and – of course – a school dance. This only reinforces the belief that sitting back and rolling with the punches will eventually yield a major benefit. Ultimately, this happens in the real world with alarming infrequency; the early bird gets the worm, chews up the worm, and instigates the worm species’ lifelong vendetta against animals of the avian variety.

Reading into the effects of children’s TV shows on our psyche may seem a little Freudian (were I truly Freudian, I’d dedicate two articles strictly to Doug’s vice principal, Mr. Bone) but I’d like to prove my point. Taking initiative may be the best and quite frankly only realistic way to conceive a healthy relationship in the real world. Don’t take this as an endorsement to go all Roger Klotz on people, but perhaps shift your mantra from “good things come to those who wait” to “fortune favors the bold.” Also remember that Topanga kissed Cory, which in effect may be our generation’s “Han shot first.”