Cheers & Jeers

Drew Acquaviva, Staff Writer

This week’s Cheers and Jeers is a much more eclectic collection of rants and praises than usual, some of which have been swimming in my head for years. (Don’t be afraid to go and look up the definition of “eclectic.” I’ll be here when you get back.) Luckily, I broke out my Pensieve and have provided you some gems from my earlier days when I was still in the five-year training program for becoming Cheers and Jeers. In most cases, these ideas came out while suffering from the affliction presented in this issue’s Jeer of the Week. I even thought up the Jeer of the Week while experiencing it. (Insert obligatory Jeer-ception joke here.) I guess this would make more sense if you just go read what the jeer is.

Cheer of the Week: Potato triangles

The interesting thing about the food here at Le Moyne is that breakfast is the best meal that they serve but it is the least frequented meal by students. That’s totally fine by me, because it keeps the egg line short and if I don’t have my daily egg sandwich, then I become more irritable than a vegetarian at a pig roast. However, there is an exception to my egg sandwich rule, and that is the rare time when heaven’s angels have leftover food and bring down potato triangles to Earth for us to feast on. The only problem with these golden triangles of hipster wonderment, officially known as Tri-Tater Patties, is that they are not served often enough. One time, someone had the testicular fortitude to tell me that they were the same as tater tots, which are also sometimes served at breakfast. Clearly this person doesn’t understand that the magic is in the shape. Tater tots are simply not as good as potato triangles. Whenever someone mentions potato triangles, I become like Veruca Salt and break into song about how much I want them. Don’t ask me why they’re so good — it’s like asking Bill O’Reilly why the tide goes in and out. You just can’t explain it.

 

Jeer Of the Week: Insomnia

There you are. You’ve just finished out your 5th consecutive hour of  “Call of Duty” studying and it’s currently  4:00 AM midnight. Time for bed, right? You’d certainly think so, and although your body may desire sleep, once your head hits the pillow, your mind decides that it wants to spend that time thinking things. Not even useful things like facts or dates that would help you in your quiz the next day. Instead, your overtired mind decides to contemplate life’s biggest mysteries, like whether or not becoming a drug addict is worth your episode on “Intervention.” Next thing you know, an hour of precious sleep has been spent awake pondering how it’s possible for Goofy to talk but not Pluto. I’ve recently been the victim of the Sandman’s absence and it is no fun lying in bed trying to will yourself asleep so that you aren’t a zombie the next day. If tomorrow I mention that I hope that La Casse is serving brains for lunch, you’ll know that this jeer is still plaguing me.

 

CHEERS to Elephants

Elephants have been subjugated ever since the beginning of time. Their ancestor, the mammoth, met its brutal end in the form of giant blocks of ice a la “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” Fast forward to the 19th century: people continued to plague the existence of elephants through poaching and harvesting for ivory. It wasn’t until 1992 that elephants got small redemption by being featured in “Aladdin” as being a better sidekick than a monkey. Nowadays, elephants and humans have a love-hate relationship. We revere them for their amazing memory (if I had their memory, I’d never have to “fact check” for Cheers and Jeers); unfortunately, they still get the short end of the stick by being mascots for Republicans. Win some, lose some. All in all, elephants are awesome as long as I’m not downwind of one.

 

JEERS to people who hold open doors

If there were a social formula for creating awkward situations, it would heavily involve door holding. Unless your job is to hold doors or unless the person behind you has diminished use of their hands, do not hold the door open for that person. So many things can go wrong. I’ve had people hold the door for me when I’m still a good ten feet away. Then they’re just standing there and I feel obligated to speed up my walking just to take the door from them. It’s even worse when someone holds the door for you when you don’t even want to go through it. And then when I don’t say thank you (on principle to get people to stop doing it) I feel like I’m being judged by them, like I burdened them with their voluntary gesture of “courtesy.” And if they sarcastically say “You’re welcome,” then all hell breaks loose. I’m not obligated to thank you. I didn’t even thank my mother for birthing me, and I was an absolutely miserable child. At least she didn’t kill me during that time. Then there would be no Cheers and Jeers and I wouldn’t be making the world a better place, one disgruntled door holder at a time.

 

CHEERS to Miranda Priestly

I have many fictional characters that I look up to. Chief among them are Dr. Gregory House, Gay Perry from the ever-amazing “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” and Miranda Priestly from “The Devil Wears Prada.” I’m afraid I have to admit that I’m talking only about the character as played by Meryl Streep, as I’ve not read the original book version. Either way, Streep’s interpretation of the character is amazing and makes me want to drop my coat and bag onto the swipe-in desk whenever I go to a meal. I wish I could just show up to breakfast and say “Is there some reason my eggs aren’t ready? Has she died or something?” Miranda Priestly is the ultimate BAMF (which of course stands for “bold and meticulous female,” right?). She’s a no-nonsense woman whose praise is difficult to get but priceless when achieved, and that’s just how Cheers and Jeers likes to run. From now on, whenever I smile, it’s because something akin to world peace has occurred. That’s all.

 

JEERS to re-reads

There you are. You’ve got about ten pounds of books on your back, probably a cell phone or drink in one hand, fishing out your keys with the other. You get to your residence and swipe in, eager to drop all of your belongings on your bed when it happens: no little green light letting you in. Instead, you get the yellow re-read light taunting you. Suddenly, you have to stop your life on the whim of an electromagnet that got bored and wants to pass the time causing unnecessary rage in people. The absolute worst case of the re-read is trying to swipe into La Casse. All ten thousand people before you swiped in just fine. Whoever is swiping people in is probably being partially lobotomized by the same beep over and over again. Then it gets to you and the machine decides that it’s nap time. Meanwhile you’ve got another ten thousand people behind you while the swipe person is getting an arm workout ironically trying to hear the beep that they’ve grown to loathe. What makes it so horrible is that it’s nobody’s fault. There’s no one for you to get mad at, so you just awkwardly stand there hoping the 20th attempt will finally break the tension.