Super-intelligent samurai dolphins terrorize campus

Sir Basil K. Ocelot III, Staff Writer

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Pre-Phin Fest preparations last week by LSPB have led to disaster after super-intelligent bipedal dolphins were released, wreaking havoc on campus.

According to one source, LSPB had obtained the dolphins from a nearby mad scientist as a means of promoting Phin Fest by having them run across campus, clicking in their strange dolphin language and hypnotizing students into buying tickets for the event. Unfortunately, the super-intelligent dolphins apparently decided it was time to overthrow their human overlords and take over first Le Moyne, then the world.

Syracuse police are still unsure of how the dolphins came to possess and skillfully wield Japanese samurai swords, but after several bloody skirmishes with the diabolical sea-creatures, they learned not to underestimate their carefully honed skills in the art of Bushido. Following these attempts to bring them down, the dolphins reportedly took several deans hostage, demanding buckets of krill, helium-based air ships and better samurai swords.

The hostage situation went on for several days until finally, Le Moyne Security and the Syracuse Police Department decided to hire an ancient clan of ninjas simply known as “The Midnight Porpoises” to deal with the dolphins.

A spectacular martial arts battle ensued on campus, the likes of which Le Moyne had not seen since the Great Kung-Fu Battle of ‘63, and resulted in the destruction of no fewer than three buildings and caused several rips in the fabric of space and time. Luckily for the campus, the ninjas’ use of teleportation and throwing stars eventually overcame the more honorable tactics of the dolphins.

Although the buildings have been repaired and most of the dolphins were slain by the ninjas, police say that some are still probably roaming the area with their samurai swords in search of humans to battle. If you see one, please report it to Security, and refrain from engaging it in a martial arts battle unless you are certain that it will be spectacularly epic and won’t result in a blood feud between Le Moyne and any clans of dolphin-samurai.

 

*This is part of our April Fools Day issue!*

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