Cheers & Jeers

Tyler Sperrazza, Staff Writer

Well, the results are in, and as predicted by yours truly…Mitt Romney is now President of the United States. Now many of you may think that since I predicted a Romney victory, I must have voted for him. This is highly presumptuous, and completely untrue. As all of my close friends will tell you, I am a die-hard liberal socialist, advocating for increased government spending and an increase in the total size of the welfare state and national debt. I was really pulling for Obama, but Romney’s hair, and the apparent voting machine malfunctions seemed to have turned the tide.

CHEER of the week : to Disney Star Wars

This topic may have been beaten to death in last week’s article, but since I have yet to touch on it, there is clearly more to be said. I think the Disneyfication of the Star Wars franchise will be a terrific blessing for Old Man Lucas and all of his loyal fans. Everyone has seen the Disney logo infused with the Death Star, or Princess Leia as a Disney princess, but I think it even goes deeper than that. There is about to be a fundamental change in the way the Star Wars saga is communicated to its audience. Instead of the Jedi and Sith actually battling for interstellar domination, they will simply sing their cares away and come to a harmonious reunion, all scored by Danny Elfman (yes it’s a joke from Family Guy, it’s still funny get over it). Also, the fact that Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford, and Mark Hamill have all been approached to reprise their roles is a testament to Disney’s dedication to the franchise. After all, haven’t we all been waiting for Harrison and Carrie to get back on screen together – he with his silver hair and earring that may be on the wrong side, and she with her ballooned, alcohol and drug ridden body? This is going to be an epic trilogy, filled with animated explosions and slightly anti-Semitic tendencies, all wrapped up in a nice, PG-rated family fun flick.
JEER of the week:  to Off-Campus Housing

Why would anyone want to live off-campus? All I hear all day long is bunch of members of the junior class complaining about no off-campus lottery. So what? Yes, the college was saddled with debt and decided to spend $500,000 on a house for Freddy P. and his beamer. Yes, the McDevitt money still exists, but it’s all wrapped up in buying new scrubs on a daily basis for the nursing and PA students. Yes, the campus is falling apart at the seams and there is no foreseeable end to this nightmarish OneLeMoyne agenda. But c’mon. Housing? That’s what you’re choosing to cry about? Yes, you pay tens of thousands of dollars to come to Le Moyne, but have you seen other college’s dorms? Now, I’ll admit, Nelligan is deplorable, but the others are fairly standard and well-maintained. Why is there such desperation to live off campus? On-campus housing provides you with Internet, cable, furniture and a healthy social life. On campus, if your party is busted, you get a slap on the wrist from the “cool RA” and you never even darken the doorway of Mark Godleski’s office. Do that in your off-campus house, and you’ll go to jail for serving to minors. Le Moyne is a residential campus, and you are told that when you come in. Why don’t those of you who are whining about missing out on the chance to have an apartment in Syracuse, of all places, actually stand up and speak your mind about some of the other blatant abuses of students’ rights? Say, for instance, the removal of trays from the caf, resulting in the loss of effective snow sleds.

Cheers to Long Cheers and Jeers

Is 250 words really too long? Most of the time when writing these little nuggets of opinionated satire, I try to reign myself in at right around 250 words. Don’t most professors assign more than 20 pages of boring reading each class? There are probably far more than 250 words on those pages, unless you’re in a children’s lit class or you’re a theater major.  Also, the length of a Cheer or Jeer really shouldn’t matter…ladies, am I right? It’s all about how you use it. The length is really irrelevant, as long as the point is argued and a conclusion is reached. People are attracted to satire because it speaks to them on an intelligent level. I find that the most effective means of satirical commentary are those that follow a logical argument to its inevitable conclusion. Therefore, shorter Cheers or Jeers detract from the overall purpose due to their elementary structure and deplorably weak arguments. The newspaper’s Twitter section is a perfect outlet for those students who wish to frame their quips in a concise manner, but here, longer discourse, witty puns, and anti-establishment rhetoric will continue to be the order of the day. If you choose to not accept my intellectual challenge, well then you can just go eat a big pile of poopie.

Jeers to the 1LEMOYNE License Plate

There is a student here who is way too into Le Moyne. Don’t get me wrong, I love pretty much everything about this place, despite what some of my previous comments have been.  However, I don’t know if I love it enough to pay the fee for vanity plates that spell out my support for Freddy’s mission statement. OneLeMoyne, for those who don’t know, is an initiative to turn Le Moyne into Fordham/Loyola/Georgetown…you know, one of the actual Jesuit schools. It has pretty much been a complete failure, but it’s a nice buzzword to throw around at parties to flirt and possibly score with the opposite sex: “Where do you go to school?” “Oh I go to OneLeMoyne.” “Wow that’s so much better than TwoLeMoyne!” “Yes, I know, would you like to come upstairs?” Why, though, would anyone want to put this complete mockery of a mission on a license plate? Does this person’s car (a Jeep SUV that apparently won a prime parking spot in some raffle) ever get egged by students? Because it should! We don’t want someone out in public to see this plate and then ask about its significance! That would mean the Syracuse populace would learn what a joke OneLeMoyne actually is. We need to get rid of this license plate for our own good. I officially deputize all Le Moyne students, and ask you to collect this license plate and slide it under the door of The Dolphin Office for proper disposal.