Cheers & Jeers
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More stories from Tom Vazquez
February 18, 2016
Approximately 150 million Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged annually. In other words, approximately 150 million Valentine’s Day cards end up in the trash as soon as the valuable contents inside (if any) are retrieved. I promise this isn’t going to be a cynical review of this up and coming holiday, but I just wish we could find a way to make receiving a card more valuable. What if they exploded into a fanfare of confetti and milk chocolate? What if the cards themselves were edible? WAIT. What if the cards could talk to us…..or sing catchy pop songs when we opened them?! (Okay nobody take that last idea. That’s my new ™).
1 Heart: Galentine’s Day?
Apparently there’s an informal holiday that takes place on Feb. 13 called Galentine’s Day, inspired by Parks and Rec star Amy Poehler. I hadn’t the slightest idea this day existed, but don’t be surprised by my ignorance; I just recently learned that a Hershey’s kiss doesn’t mean slamming a chocolate bar into a friend’s mouth. Enough about me; amidst societal expectations to be with a significant other on Valentine’s Day, cheers to the ladies for finding time to appreciate meaningful friendships.
2 Hearts: Heart-Shaped Food
I already have an unhealthy fixation on [insert food here], so whoever decided it would be prudent to form the food into hearts of all shapes and sizes has found the way to my chocolate covered heart.
3 Hearts: Best Friends and Girl/Boy Friends
Valentine’s Day isn’t just for those with romantic intentions. Just because the English language only has one word for “love” (we use “love”… in case anyone was wondering), doesn’t mean it’s the only kind of love. In Greek, there are many ways of distinguishing a specific kind of love, be it motherly love, friendship love, etc. So don’t count yourself out of this holiday just because you’re single, because you’re not. Love your friends, love your family, and most importantly, love yourself. And love your chocolate.
1 Broken Heart: Flower Price Inflation
Flowers are a great go-to gift on Valentine’s Day. Not because it’s a quick and easy gift but because it’s a great way to show someone you took time out of your day to think about them. Unfortunately, we as a population are being taken advantage of on this floral-centered holiday as we are asked to shell out more than is necessary for a nice bouquet. I say we boycott flower shops around the country this year and instead draw flowers on construction paper and stuff them in each other’s mailboxes. Crude, but much more economical.
2 Broken Hearts: St. Valentine
Everyone gets so caught up with this holiday that we forget how it all began. Here’s a sad little tidbit courtesy of HISTORY.com: “The history of Valentine’s Day–and the story of its patron saint–is shrouded in mystery.” SHROUDED IN MYSTERY. How would you feel if you ate 100 chicken wings in 30 minutes only to have a picture frame with a question mark inside of it hanging on the wall for all time? Spot-on analogy aside, you’d be pretty peeved.
3 Broken Hearts: Valentine’s Day Misconceptions
I’ve heard people quote Valentine’s Day strictly as a “female holiday.” I guess that means guys everywhere are cringing at the idea of receiving a nice bouquet of flowers, or writhing in mental pain at the idea of writing a nice sonnet from the heart for that special someone. Guys don’t like that kind of stuff, right? Wrong. Valentine’s Day is for everyone to enjoy, men and women alike.